Eight years ago, in the summer of 2017, our family embarked on a new adventure. I left a great job in a city we loved. We sold our house, and moved with our preschool-aged boys from Wisconsin to the Chicago area, where I would soon begin seminary.
Had I known at the time all of the challenges we’d face in the years ahead, I’m not sure we would have ever left Wisconsin. Not that I regret it now, but it hasn’t been an easy eight years. I’m grateful that I can’t see into the future, because otherwise we likely would have stayed where we were comfortable.
A lot has happened in our world in those eight years, most of it completely out of my control. I expect that many reading this blog have experienced their share of challenges (relational, financial, spiritual) in the recent past as well.
I remember gearing up for one particularly difficult conversation. This was before we made the move to Kansas City. I was trying to repair a relationship, one that had been strained nearly to the breaking point, for which I was partly to blame.
As I was praying and preparing for this meeting, not knowing how it would go, I remember God putting the following words on my heart: kindness, gentleness, and self-control. If you were to ask those closest to me to list the fruits of the Spirit in the order that I most exemplify, these three would be at the bottom of the list. But they just kept repeating in my head. Kindness. Gentleness. Self-Control.
Those words have stuck with me in the years since. Apparently God still thinks I have work to do on each one of them. Whenever I’m gearing up for another difficult meeting, I ask God to fill me with the fruit of the Spirit, and particularly with kindness, gentleness, and self-control.
Manner Matters
I’m not interested in writing a book, but if I did, I think I would call it Manner Matters (not to be confused with the plethora of children’s books called Manners Matter). Because what I’ve learned in the last eight years is that it’s no use being right if I can’t be kind, gentle, and self-controlled.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m deeply committed to truth, to right thinking and right doctrine. I spent four years of my life getting a master’s degree in such things. But what I’ve realized through painful experience is that Jesus calls us to both—not just to the truth of Jesus, but also the way of Jesus. The manner of Jesus. It’s not just our doctrine that matters. Our manner matters as well.
In my journey of attempting to follow the manner of Jesus, Philippians 2:1–11 has been a close companion. In those verses, Paul calls the Philippian believers to have the same attitude as Christ Jesus; an attitude of emptying, of humility, of sacrifice. It seems that Paul also thinks the manner of Jesus is as important as the truth of Jesus.
Jesus himself says that a good tree bears good fruit (Matthew 7:15–20), and I can’t help but make a connection to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). If my life is not exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit, then what kind of tree am I?
The problem we face is that the fruit of the Spirit doesn’t seem natural. These days, it seems easier than ever to be a jerk, thanks to online anonymity and the fact that we tend to surround ourselves with people who think just like we do.
I’ve heard it said that the manner of Jesus “doesn’t work” these days. That kindness and gentleness, and sacrifice and love of neighbor, aren’t the way to get ahead anymore. I would like to gently ask the person who thinks that, “what do you mean by ‘doesn’t work’? Doesn’t work toward what end?”
One might argue that Jesus’ manner didn’t “work” either. After all, it got him killed. But that’s the upside-down way of the kingdom. In Jesus’ kingdom, it’s the brokenhearted and the humble, the merciful and the peacemakers who are truly blessed (Matthew. 5:3–10).
A Call to the Manner of Jesus
Kindness, gentleness, and self-control aren’t fun for me. There’s a vindictive impulse deep inside of me that likes sticking it to any person who has wronged me. And in the moment, it feels good to fly off the handle at someone.
But the call to faith in Jesus is also a call to follow the manner of Jesus. That means dying to what feels good to me in the moment. To not retaliate when wronged. To suffer and perhaps even to die like Jesus. It may not “work” according to the world’s way of thinking, but it’s the only way things work in God’s kingdom.
