By Mandy Knowlton – Congregant – Shawnee Campus
My husband Caleb and I long for a baby. We dream of snuggling a little one we get to call ours. We long for the beautiful privilege of getting to teach our little all about who God is and how he wants a relationship with them. We long to tell our friends and family that we are finally expecting, that the wait is over, and our dreams are coming true. And yet, after almost two years of trying, my arms are still very empty.
I met my incredible husband in March of 2018 and we were married later that year. From the very beginning, our marriage has been built on wanting to follow and glorify God. We ask for his guidance and follow his lead in both small and big decisions. When to start a family was no different. In December of 2023, we both felt peace about starting a family. So we enjoyed being married and waited to see what God did, in great hopes that we would get pregnant. Month after month the answer was not yet. Month after month God worked on my heart so that I could fully give the process and outcome to him.
The answer I have received is not yes. It is also not an everlasting no. But it means surrender. To surrender, and lay my future, my desire, my longing, my child, on the altar. This type of surrender must be done daily and can only be done in God’s strength. My heart deeply grieves as it lays down this deep core desire at the feet of my king. The agony and heartache is intense as I let go and trust God. I do not know how Abraham laid Isaac, his beloved, on the altar.
Genesis 22 tells the story of God telling Abraham to sacrifice his only son on the altar. This son, Isaac, was the promised son. He was the one Abraham and his wife Sarah waited for; a promise from God. God told Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son. God would bless Abraham through this son and create a nation that would bless all nations. Abraham and Sarah, who were childless at the time, waited 25 long years for the promise to be fulfilled. And then God told Abraham to sacrifice his son on the altar. I cannot even imagine how incredibly hard it was for Abraham. Abraham and Isaac’s story ended with a beautiful picture of Christ. Just as Abraham raised the knife to sacrifice Isaac, God provided a ram to be sacrificed instead. Jesus is the lamb that was sacrificed in our place.
I feel like Abraham, laying my desire for a child on the altar not knowing if the answer will ever be yes. This sacrifice of my desire is painful. And yet through the raw pain, I have glimmering hope.
My hope is not in doctors, tests, treatments, at-home gadgets, teas, supplements, or anything else I have seen advertised all over social media. My hope is not in God opening my womb and my dreams coming true. My hope is in the God I love and serve. My hope is in my good, good Father who knows what is best for my good and his glory. I know I can rest in him.
I do not know if I will ever get to experience a full-term pregnancy. If I will ever get to hold a little one that my husband and I call ours. What I do know is that regardless, my life will be abundantly full and filled with joy. Why? Because I belong to the Lord. My life is not my own. And while he never promises an easy life with all of our dreams filled, God has promised himself. With him, and knowing him comes abundant life and joy. This is what true hope is. It is looking past the intense pain and into the beautiful eyes of Jesus. It is knowing that no matter what, I am secure in him. No matter what, he is my prize and my treasure. He is my hope.
You reveal the path of life to me;
in your presence is abundant joy;
at your right hand are eternal pleasures. Psalm 16:11
The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6
We wait for the Lord; He is our help and shield.
For our hearts rejoice in him
because we trust in his holy name.
May your faithful love rest on us, Lord,
for we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20–22