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Morning Walks with MeiMei

Morning Walks with MeiMei

by | Nov 1, 2023 | Featured, Headlines | 0 comments

We got a puppy! Finally after 12 years of marriage, 3 children, 5 moves, and lots of rigorous discussion and negotiation, we got our first family pet. We went all in and decided to do the puppy thing. Telling our kids the news that we were getting a puppy was a precious moment we will never forget. Then came the fun of dreaming up names, deciding which pup we wanted from the litter, and finally planning the trip to go pick her up.

We chose the name MeiMei (which is Mandarin for “little sister”) and were quite smitten with her from the beginning. But, for those of you who have experienced puppy life, you know that it’s no joke! The house training, nibbling everything, and crying at night was exhausting! But even with the sacrifice of time, money, and sleep, we still have had so many joy-filled moments with this new little pup we brought into our family.

 

New Beginnings

We had four months to wait from when we decided to get a puppy to when we actually brought her home. During that time we all had something different we were looking forward to about having a dog. For my son, it was having someone to always play with in the backyard. For my girls, it was looking forward to the cuddles. For my husband, it was the companionship and being greeted at the door when arriving home. For me, I was looking forward to taking walks with my dog.

Not only were we preparing for a new stage of life with a pet, but we were also about to enter a new stage of family life. This fall my youngest started kindergarten, so we now officially have all school-aged children. It is bittersweet and I’m still adjusting to the new rhythm. But, a huge blessing that has come with getting a puppy, and with kids being in school, has been my morning walks with MeiMei.

I knew I was excited about starting the routine of going on morning walks, but I did not know how big an impact it would have on each day and the week as a whole. It has become a time of refreshment for my soul. A quiet way to start the day. I am so grateful for that time…for my morning walks with MeiMei.

 

Gratitude in the Little Things

I know not all of us have the luxury of starting off the day with a lovely walk with a really cute puppy. But I do believe that each of us has little things in our day that can lead us to hearts of gratitude. As we choose to notice these little things and allow our hearts to be filled with gratitude, our joy increases! When our joy increases, we have more capacity to love well, have more patience, are in a better place mentally, and many other positive side effects.

The Bible is full of verses about thankfulness, and we know it is important to be grateful, but it is easy to get bogged down in the day to day mundane moments. What if we actually let some of these verses guide us to have hearts of gratitude throughout the day?

Ephesians 5:20 …giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ….
When you are enjoying that cup of coffee, that is a good gift from the Lord! Enjoy it and thank him for it.

Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; let’s rejoice and be glad in it.
When you walk to your car and feel a refreshing breeze, give praise to God! He has made this beautiful day.

Psalm 95:2 Let’s enter his presence with thanksgiving; let’s shout triumphantly to him in song.
When a song plays on the radio that stirs your soul, give him praise.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
When the babies are finally asleep and you can breathe, or shower, or eat, praise the Lord for giving you your babies, but also praise him for the gift of quiet.

 

The Choice of Gratitude

Gratitude is a choice, and we can ask our Heavenly Father for help in noticing opportunities to experience gratitude throughout our day. A good starting point is to pray for help from the Holy Spirit! Then notice the little things…the good lunch you had…the changing colors of the leaves…the sound of the birds singing…your pet’s comfort and company.

Another option is to start a gratitude journal. Take time at the end of the day to write down some little things that you were grateful for that day. For example: the traffic wasn’t too bad…got time with a friend…finished a good book.

The list of reasons to experience gratitude is endless and God is worthy of praise for it all. I am praying for us, on my morning walks with MeiMei, to notice the little things, to give God the praise for it, and allow him the space to grow our hearts of gratitude.

God’s Face Is Toward You

God’s Face Is Toward You

by | Jun 7, 2023 | Featured, Headlines | 0 comments

When my kids were little, one of the best parts of my life was when I’d walk in the door at the end of a long day. They’d run to me, squeeze my legs, squeal with delight, beg me for piggyback rides, the “dragon game,” or other ridiculous forms of roughhouse. Their faces could practically light up the entire room at the very sight of me. I was a hero, a celebrity, the most loved human on the planet and the source of one of their greatest delights. It felt pretty good. 

I have teenagers now. Needless to say, I’m not even sure they notice when I get home (or that I ever left). While I choose to believe they’re still glad to see me (after all, according to Hebrews 11, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…), I do miss those little faces lighting up like that at my very presence. You know the feeling, right?

 

A face that is glad to see you

Does anything feel better than seeing another human light up when they see you? You show up at a friend’s house that you haven’t seen in years. You return home from a long and tiring business trip and your spouse greets you at the door. You arrive home after your first semester in college. Your grandkids finally pull up after a long road trip. Even as I write this, I can literally feel my face lighting up just at the very thought of these situations.

We also feel this in the small and subtle things. When you walk into church and you can just tell the people you see are glad to see you. Their faces light up, which makes your face light up, which makes their faces light up even more, which makes your face…. It feels good, doesn’t it?

We now know that there is brain science to back this up. Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks, in their brilliant little book, The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation, write:

Our brains desire joy more than any other thing. As we go through our day, our right brains are scanning our surroundings, looking for people who are happy to be with us.

God designed facial recognition circuitry into our brains and linked it to our joy center. My wife’s face lights up when she sees me, and this initiates a joyful chain reaction in my brain that I can feel in my body. Brain science reveals that this joy sensation is crucial for emotional and relational development. Our brain looks specifically to the face of another person to find joy, and this fills up our emotional gas tank. The face is key.

They summarize joy in three points. 1) Joy is primarily transmitted through the face (especially the eyes) and secondarily through voice. 2) Joy is relational. It is what we feel when we are with someone who is happy to be with us. Joy does not exist outside of relationship. 3) Joy is important to God and to us.

Of course, I didn’t need to quote these experts for us to know this to be true, nor do we need science’s confirmation for the things we already believe so deeply. We feel this deep in our bones! We know, even in our own bodies, that this is true.

It shouldn’t surprise us then that God has also known this to be true, for this is how he made us. Long before any of these scientific studies were even imagined, God imagined humans, and he made us to light up at the faces of one another. He made us for joy—joy with him and joy with each other. 

 

“The Lord make his face shine on you”

It even comes out in the “original” benediction or blessing in the Bible. It’s the oldest we have and it has long been my personal favorite of all the benedictions we give at church. In seminary, our pastor used to sing it over the congregation at the end of the service. We say it over every child in our dedication services, I try to work it into every one of my weddings, and I love using it on Christmas Eve and the start of every new year. It’s also become one of my favorite songs we sing from Elevation Worship, The Blessing.

Thousands of years before we knew anything about brain science or interpersonal neurobiology, God knew, and our brilliant Creator God gave us this benediction. I memorized it first in the NIV, Numbers 6:22-26: 

 The Lord said to Moses, “Tell Aaron and his sons, ‘This is how you are to bless the Israelites. Say to them:

 “The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

 the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

 the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”

 

The original blessing, the blessing God commanded, perhaps the highest blessing we can receive, is that God’s face would light up when he sees us. That he would continually turn his face toward us. For this is the ultimate blessing, the ultimate protection, the ultimate act of grace, and the greatest source of peace. If you want real joy, here is where it is found—seeing God’s face light up when you walk in the room. Knowing that God is glad to be with you.

Reflecting on this passage, Wilder and Hendricks write: 

God designed our brains for joy, and He wants us to live in the glow of His delight. This blessing expresses a joy that can be paraphrased, ‘May you feel the joy of God’s face shining on you because He is happy to be with you.’

 

How can God possibly be glad to see me?

However, if I’m honest, I often wonder, does God’s face really light up when he sees me? He knows me. All of me. He knows the ways I tried to run from him in high school. He knows the mistakes I made in college. He knows my failures as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a pastor, as a colleague, as a boss, as an employee, as a neighbor, as a citizen, as a human. So many mistakes, so much sin. Every one of my faults is in his face, even the failures I’ve been unable to admit to myself. He sees.

You can’t hide anything from God’s face. And I imagine that disappointed look, like the one your mom or dad used to make. Or worse, I imagine him turning away from me, and walking out on me. If YOU really knew me, dear reader, YOU would turn your face from me and walk out on me. Each of us has felt this happen way too many times. Nothing destroys our joy quite like this.

And yet….

The good news of what Jesus has done for us means our God will never do that to any of his children. No matter what. Ever. You see, Jesus already died the death we deserve, and when he was forsaken on the cross, the Father did turn his face away. That is what we deserve, but Jesus experienced that for us, so that we never will.

Jesus also lived the life we could never live—perfect, holy, righteous, just. He took our shame and gave us his goodness, so that when the Father looks at us, he sees all the good that Jesus is. All of his beauty and righteousness and love. We are given credit for that.

This means, if you are one of God’s children through faith in Jesus, his face is always toward you. It’s always shining when he sees you. For our God is always glad to see you. Do you believe that?

Like lovers who have been separated for months. Like a parent who hasn’t seen their child for a whole semester. Like your grandkids when they finally show up for a long awaited visit. Like your closest college friends at an unexpected reunion. That’s how God feels EVERYTIME he sees you. And he always sees you! His face is always toward you. Can you see his eyes lighting up?

Now I realize this is hard to believe. The gospel of Jesus usually is hard to believe. So how do we actually experience this? I want to feel this—how can we? Let me quickly and inadequately suggest two things.

 

Turn your face toward him

First, if you want to experience the joy of God’s face toward you, you have to turn your face toward him. It’s mutual. He also wants to see your face light up when you see him! Like any relationship, the joy is best experienced by prioritizing time for that person, and mutually enjoying one another.

When you open your Bible, when you carve out time for prayer, when you quiet your life enough to listen for him, when you show up to church each Sunday, when you sing songs of praise to him, when you go on a walk alone in the woods. These are the spaces we are most likely and most often to experience his face and his joy, and he experiences it from us, too. If we want joy, we have to make these things a priority. Like the old hymn says:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of his glory and grace

 

Turn your face toward others

Second, if you want to experience the joy of God’s face toward you, you have to turn your face toward others. So often our experience of God’s love comes through the love we feel to and from others. When you show up at church or your community group or Bible study, does your face light up from the people you see? As yours lights up, theirs will too, and you’ll get a taste of the joy of God’s face. If we want joy, we have to make each other a priority.

As we do these things, with faith in Jesus as our deep hope, we’ll experience joy, and we will live out the fulfillment of the greatest benediction. 

Let these words again wash over you—not simply as a wish, but as a truth that is fully yours in Jesus Christ. Read them this time from another translation:

“May the Lord bless you and protect you;

 may the Lord make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

 may the Lord look with favor on you

and give you peace.”’  Numbers 6:22-26 CSB

These words have already come true for all who believe. Amen and Amen!

All the Fitness He Requires

All the Fitness He Requires

by | Feb 1, 2023 | Featured, Headlines | 0 comments

There’s a group exercise place close to my house that I have been wanting to try out. I have several friends who go there and love it, and when my kids were younger, I really loved working out with others. One of my friends has said she will take me whenever I want to go for a trial class. She has said this for over a year. But I have never taken her up on it, and it’s just for the dumbest reason. I don’t think I am in good enough shape to go to the place that is supposed to whip me into shape. I keep thinking that what I need to do is get into a really rigorous workout rhythm at home for a good 6 weeks and THEN I will be ready to go! So basically, once I don’t need the class anymore, then I will be ready to join. 

 

An Open Invitation

There is another open invitation that we tend to view the same way, which has deeper and more lasting implications beyond an exercise class. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus invites us to come to him…all of us who labor and are heavy laden, which feels like all of us, and he will give us rest. I know this, we know this, and yet…there are so many times when I continue to feel like I have to get my act together in order to be loved and accepted by my Savior. There are so many times when I am striving and struggling and instead of accepting the rest that Jesus offers me, I just double down. I turn to productivity books, reorganize my schedule and just plain try harder. I will get my act together and then come to Jesus, once I somehow achieve that rest that he so freely offers. Accepting grace feels more difficult than continuing to throw myself at a (metaphorical) brick wall. 

Works-based religions just make so much more sense to me, even though they are soul-crushing. In our Western culture, we are self-made women and men! We pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. All we have to do is dream bigger and work harder and keep hustling, and all our American dreams will come true! We don’t want to owe anyone anything, we have our pride. Even when asking a friend for a favor, sometimes I find myself doing a quick mental calculation…have I asked this person to do more for me than I have done for them? Is the “favor scale” tipped too far in the wrong direction, do I owe them more than they owe me? If so, sometimes I won’t ask for what I need and what they would happily and lovingly do for me. Because then I would feel like a burden, a drain. 

 

Rest and Peace

And then there is our God. He has done everything for us – created us, given us everything that we have, died for us…there is nothing I could ever do to balance those “favor scales.” And all he wants is for me to come to him; he is standing there, arms open, waiting for me to give him my burdens, my worries, my fears, my sins, my shame, my pride (along with my joys, praise and my loves). And exchange it for his rest, his peace, his presence. 

I have loved Jesus as long as I can remember, and I still struggle to turn to him first, to continue to turn to him each and every day with each and every struggle and burden. I suspect I am not alone in that. But I think, just maybe, I am willing to set aside my pride and admit my need a little quicker than I did a few decades ago. Church, may we be a people who realize that clinging to our pride and self-sufficiency is a fool’s game. We are just causing ourselves such needless heartache and misery. Our God offers us rest, true rest. May we reach out and take it. 

Come, Ye Sinners

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
full of pity, love, and pow’r

Come, ye thirsty; come and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
true belief and true repentance,
ev’ry grace that brings you nigh

Let not conscience make you linger,
nor of fitness fondly dream;
all the fitness he requires
is to feel your need of him.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
lost and ruined by the fall;
if you tarry till you’re better,
you will never come at all.

I will arise and go to Jesus!
He will embrace me in His arms
In the arms of my dear Savior,
Oh, there are ten thousand charms

The Lord Is Near

The Lord Is Near

by | Jul 27, 2022 | Featured, Headlines | 0 comments

I’ve been feeling it again lately, the tightening in my chest, the tension that gathers there. It’s how my body lets me know that I need to slow down and pay attention. It’s my warning light. All is not as it should be. This is my sign that worry and anxiety are on the rise. This is my signal to get back to basics, do the things that I know are healthy for me; mind, body, and soul. So I make sure I am getting enough sleep, exercising and eating well, spending time outside and with friends and family. I make sure I am spending intentional time in prayer, I dig into the Psalms, and I return to my go-to Scriptures for times like these. I want to be clear that I am not talking about clinical anxiety; we live in a broken and fallen world and our bodies don’t always work the way that God designed them to. Medication is important and needed for many people to manage their anxiety, I understand that. Here I am speaking about average low-level anxiety. 

 

So I found myself reciting Philippians 4:6 again last week. “Do not be anxious about anything…” and for the first time, that word “anything” just brought me to a full stop. Wait, what? “Do not be anxious about anything.” Anything. Anything? It feels like there are a lot of things happening in our world today that seem very logical to be anxious about. War, gun violence, so much political division and anger, cancer, poverty…I could go on and on. It seems like this verse should say, “Do not be anxious about most things, but there are some things it’s perfectly reasonable to be anxious about.” But it says “anything.”  And, Paul wrote this while he was in prison. It seems like if anyone should get to fret it would be Paul. I even tried looking up the Greek to see if I could find a loophole. Nope. 

 

I am a worrier by nature, (an Enneagram 6 if you are into that kind of thing) and this verse has always been a challenge and an encouragement to me. But it just feels especially hard right now. So I sat with the “anything” for a while. Honestly, I am still wrestling with it. But I kept going, and I am so thankful that even though the word “anything” brought me up short, the verse does not stop there. God does not leave us with a seemingly impossible command without help. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” In every situation we are to turn over our anxieties, our fears, our plans to God. Open our hands that are clenched into fists with anxiety and trust that He is good, He is sovereign and He loves us. 

 

This is not easy. Sometimes the darkness seems so very close. But we are to stop and present our requests to God. And thank Him for who He is and the blessings in our lives. And as we zoom out and read this along with the surrounding verses. “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice (v. 4)” Always rejoice. “Let your gentleness be evident to all (v. 5a)” Be gentle to all. Living a life of rejoicing and gentleness doesn’t seem to leave a lot of room for worry and fear. “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (v. 7)” 

 

Sometimes I feel the peace of God and sometimes I do not. Sometimes I cannot seem to really trust that God’s good plans and purposes will prevail.

 

I think the key to all of this, the rejoicing and the thanksgiving and the being anxious about nothing, is verse 5b, “The Lord is near.” This could mean either close in proximity to us, or close in time, or Paul could mean both. But the Lord is near. I think the source of a lot of our anxiety is our impoverished view of God, and that definitely rings true for me. And our gracious God doesn’t leave us wondering who He is; He tells us over and over in His Word. A few examples…

 

The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgressions and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” Exodus 34:6-7

 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

 

He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:4-5

 

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Your is the kingdom, O Lord and you are exalted as head above all. 1 Chronicles 29:11

 

This is just a small sampling that shows us the God who is near. Merciful. Gracious. Slow to anger. Abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Forgiving. Just. Gentle. Lowly. Giver of rest. Powerful. Creator. Omniscient. Glorious. Victorious. Exalted. 

 

He is good. He loves us. He is in control. We don’t have to be. 

 

We can rejoice always. We can be gentle to all. We can even not be anxious about anything. So during this time of heightened anxiety for me, this has become a breath prayer for me. “The Lord is near. Do not be anxious.”

 

The Lord is near.

3 Ways to Combat Anxiety

by | Oct 10, 2018 | Headlines | 1 comment

It was spring of 2011; I was sitting in speech class. About 20 minutes in, I started to feel my heart beat a little faster than normal. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first, but then it started to beat faster to the point where it was hard to catch my breath. I raised my hand in the middle of my professor’s lecture and said, “I can’t breathe.”

Puzzled and not knowing what to do, my professor asked if I needed to step out. So, I did. The problem was that my heart was still beating extremely fast. I went to the nurse’s office and she told me my pulse. 145 beats per minute. She panicked and called an ambulance, which then caused me to panic even more. The ambulance arrived, and I was rushed to the hospital. This was the beginning of my anxiety story.

Some of you reading have had a similar situation happen to you. Some of you have people you love who struggle with anxiety. Some of you have been present when someone you love has had a panic attack. Some of you know what it’s like to have panic attacks and be filled with fear because it feels like you are going to die.

Anxiety is an indicator of our fears, rational or not. Fear of never being loved again, fear of being left or rejected, fear of getting a life-shattering diagnosis, fear of being alone, fear that something bad is going to happen all the time, fear that no one will show up. So, what do we do? How do we combat our anxiety?

First, embrace your anxiety

If you are anything like me, I hated having anxiety. I couldn’t stand not being able to be calm in a movie theatre, a classroom, when I was at a friend’s house or home alone. I wanted to reject the fact that I had anxiety because I was ashamed of it. I didn’t like having panic attacks and wondering if I was having a heart attack.

As one person put it, “Anxiety is difficult because you don’t know if what you are thinking/feeling is true or not.” This is hard. For those of you who struggle, you understand the depths of what I’m saying.

However, hear me loud and clear: You are not bad, disgusting, or worthless because you struggle with anxiety. Your anxiety does not disqualify you or keep you out of reach. You are not your anxiety.

You are loved, worthy, valuable, and accepted just as you are. Period. You are a dignified human being who struggles with anxiety, and that’s okay. It’s okay if you need to take medication. It’s okay if you need constant reminders that you are loved. The more we are ashamed of this, the more we will believe that anxiety is who we are. It’s not.

You are not bad, disgusting, or worthless because you struggle with anxiety.

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As Genesis 1:27 states, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” You are an image-bearer of God himself. Embrace your anxiety. Allow it to be your teacher. Because once you can embrace it, it loses its power over you.

Second, study your anxiety

It is helpful and vital to know you have anxiety and embrace it, but it doesn’t stop there. Anxiety affects us and our relationships in deep ways, and if we don’t deal with it, know what triggers it, and put intentional steps in place to combat it, we will always feel defeated by it.

Just like we take the time to get to know someone else, study for a test, exercise, and rest, we need to be aware of what sets off our anxiety and take the time to deal with it. One way we can study our anxiety is by reaching out to a trusted friend and sharing our struggle with them so that we have someone who is in it with us.

Another way is seeking out professional help from a therapist. Let me say that not every therapist is right for you. You get to be picky on who your therapist is and what you need from them. However, the counseling room can be a helpful tool in understanding your trauma, childhood wounds, and what triggers are affecting your anxiety or why you have it.

Also, be aware of when your anxiety is triggered. When you are feeling your anxiety come on, what’s happening? Where are you? Where do you feel it in your body? Did someone say something that reminded you of a hurtful experience? Having some awareness in the moment can help prepare you so that when something triggers your anxiety you become less reactive to it.

Sometimes we can’t physically do this on our own, and that’s why medication is often prescribed. If that is something you need, it is okay. This is why it’s important to have a trusted professional who can come alongside to help and give you the space to discern what you might need.

Dealing with your anxiety is not a one-time deal, it’s a life-time study. Be patient with yourself. For those who are in a relationship with someone who struggles, be patient with them. Do some research on how anxiety works and have a posture of grace and understanding. As Proverbs 12:25 states, “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” Anxiety weighs heavily, and we need people who can come alongside us for the long haul ready to lift some of the weight.

Lastly, release your anxiety

There’s a verse in the Bible that people often use to help those who are struggling with anxiety. It’s Philippians 4:6-7, which states,

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

It’s an amazing verse. However, some have used it to say to those who are anxious that you are bad or sinful just because you have anxiety. That’s not what this verse is saying. Paul is talking about release. In fact, to command someone to not be anxious presupposes that we will struggle with being anxious. Paul isn’t saying that if you are anxious you are sinning, but instead he is saying that when anxiety creeps in, remember that there is Someone who can give you peace in the midst of it.

Friends, some of us will struggle with anxiety for the rest of our lives. The beauty about being in relationship with Jesus is that He carried your anxiety and died for it; so that every time anxiety comes, He welcomes it and is ready to carry it with you and extend peace. You can release it to Him. He can handle it.

Every time anxiety comes, [Jesus] welcomes it and is ready to carry it with you and extend peace.

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Now, this doesn’t mean that releasing it will automatically remove your struggle with anxiety, but it does mean that we can hang on with confidence to the hope that one day we will be given eternal peace. Our hearts and minds will forever be at ease. Oh, what a day that will be. The magnificent part about it is that we get to experience a taste of that peace here on earth.

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” (Hebrews 13:20-21)

May it be so.

 

How to Discipline in Love

by | Oct 26, 2017 | Family, Featured | 0 comments

GUEST AUTHOR: JEN WILKIN

How do you discipline in love?
Even when your child makes you really, really mad.

Parenting small children can feel like Groundhog Day: correcting the same behaviors over and over again, often with no discernible improvement. When children disobey a clear expectation, parental anger can surge as a response. What should we do with that anger? Is it sinful? Or is there such a thing as righteous anger over the disobedience of a child? And most importantly, how can we keep anger from corrupting an act of discipline (training and correction) into one of retribution (getting even or vengeance)?

Many parents have a disconnect when thinking about anger and discipline: We suspect that disobedience should never touch our emotions—that good parents are able to correct their kids in an almost robotic, non-emotional way. It’s important to acknowledge that we will get angry when our kids disobey, and that our anger is not sinful by definition. It turns sinful when we welcome it and use it to justify an unmeasured response. I do think it is extremely rare that we feel righteous anger of any kind, much less in moments of child disobedience. My anger in those moments was almost always related to the feeling that their disobedience was a personal offense against me or evidence that I was a failure at raising obedient children. That’s a dumb kind of anger. And it’s a dangerous kind, because it turns discipline into retribution lightning-fast.

Power Brokers and Peacekeepers

I believe the answer is not to be a robot, but rather to take time to calm down and gain control before administering discipline of any kind. We are allowed to get angry, but we are not allowed to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26). We are even allowed to express our anger on our faces or in our tone. However, because children are not as good at filtering those expressions as adults, I believe it’s the better part of wisdom to control our outward reactions. Most children tend toward one of two categories: power broker or peacekeeper. The power broker recognizes emotional displays on our part as a sign that they are gaining leverage. If we show our anger over a disobedient act, we can actually reinforce the behavior. The peacekeeper, on the other hand, sees a display of anger as rejection. Seeing our anger may cause the peacekeeper to cease disobeying, but it may also breed fear and secrecy.

But if we completely hide our anger from our kids in those moments (particularly older kids), we can miss another training opportunity as important as the correction at hand: modeling how to handle anger well. We can do so by taking time to calm down before disciplining, and by assuring our children (verbally and physically) that our love for them is untouched by their disobedience. We can also model repentance when our anger expresses itself rashly. We can confess it to our children and ask forgiveness, demonstrating to both the power broker and the peacekeeper the power and peacefulness of humility.

Slow It Down

Proverbs 14:29 warns, “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” (ESV). If ever we need to exercise great understanding, it’s in moments of disciplining our kids. By thinking through what triggers our anger, we can begin to repent of its sinful aspects, working to slow it down to a safer speed. Once the moment of conflict has passed, we can do a personal debrief, asking ourselves what was really at the root of our anger. Did we have a wrong expectation? Did we allow an age-appropriate lack of self-control to get underneath our skin? Is anger our go-to response in general when things don’t go as we had planned? How could things go better the next time?

Consider also how our own childhood influences our discipline patterns. For the parent who grew up in an angry home, the combination of disciplining and anger will feel either so normal that we forget to question it, or so inseparable that we avoid disciplining altogether. Neither of these is healthy. Sometimes agreeing to “divide and conquer” with our spouse can help. If your spouse has better control than you do, consider deferring to them as the primary disciplinarian until you can trust your own responses better. Know your triggers. If neglected chores drive you crazy, hand off discipline to your spouse. If back-talk sets off your spouse, maybe you are the better parent to discipline for that.

In every discipline moment, keep in view that our children are our neighbors, to be loved as we love ourselves. By remembering that they are people, we are more likely to correct rather than avenge. If anger arises, we will temper it with compassion and forgiveness, expressing it appropriately and disciplining out of love.

Jen Wilkin is a wife, mom to four great kids, and an advocate for women to love God with their minds through the faithful study of his Word. She writes, speaks, and teaches women the Bible. She lives in Flower Mound, Texas, and her family calls The Village Church home. You can find her at JenWilkin.blogspot.com.