By Alexis Price – Congregant – Olathe Campus
I’m sure there is a history of mental illness in my family. It can be seen throughout the years if you really look. But when I started noticing my own during college, I had no framework to define what I was feeling. No one had said anything to me about the scary thoughts or doubts that plagued me. I never braved asking about my fears out loud, and I had been taught as a child that things must be filed away and ignored, and that I needed to rely on the strength inside me to just keep going. I had to control it.
I spent 15 years in therapy once the panic attacks started, trying to understand emotions and my own brain. I had lovely therapists who taught me so much about myself and who I am and why there is no universal way to deal with anxiety or depression, but I was still plagued by scary thoughts that seemed to contradict who I believed myself to be.
I would be okay for long stretches of time, and I even learned to define some of those scary scenarios that would pop into my head as Harm OCD and learned not to fear myself. But four years ago, with a 4-year-old daughter and little to no sleep, the walls came crashing down.
I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t muster the energy to swim that summer, or even enjoy the laughter of my daughter and husband as they played. I retreated into my confusion over why my brain and heart couldn’t make it over the hump of struggle and sadness. There was no grand moment that tipped me into that depression, but a slow movement of the world’s brokenness took its toll and was displayed in my life.
I was powerless to convince myself to stop feeling that way and just feel better. I began to curl up into a ball every day and cry in fear with no real plan to move forward.
A counselor suggested I look into group outpatient therapy, so I made an appointment at the local hospital. I met with the program coordinator, and after we talked for a while, she suggested I stay. As in, check into the mental health ward of the hospital to be treated as an inpatient client.
I freaked. I wasn’t THAT sick. I couldn’t possibly not have my husband by my side; I wanted my daughter, I needed my bed, my friends, my things. I cried until I realized I would do anything to get better. So I checked in.
I cried that entire first day and night. Alone, in a place that wouldn’t allow me to have my Bible because the string was too long, and all patients have to be free from anything that could lead to suicide. I was with the drug addicts who were detoxing and those who had attempted and failed suicide. I was in a place where my private fears took human form.
And then, God spoke. I’m not even sure how he met me. I’m not sure at what point he revealed himself, but as I began to listen to the counselors I met with and the patients alongside me, the Lord opened his book, the Scripture, and said, “I made you. I made your emotions. I made the science that is in your medication, and I made you powerful. Look at the power I give to you.”
And he taught me key words, not phrases, from:
Romans 12:2 “ …renew…”
2 Corinthians 10: 4–5 “ Demolish…knowledge…”
Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message) “Be Strong. Take Courage…”
John 14:27 “Let not…neither let them…”
Joshua 1:9 “Commanding…Be…”
Proverbs 18:10 “…Runs…”
Philippians 4:8 “Whatever is TRUE…”
All of these are action words. The doctors spent their time giving me coping skills and information on how the brain functions and why we must train our thoughts. Quotes like “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.” and “We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same,” became the kinds of things I would hear each day.
I learned the importance of sleep and creating a balance in my life. I learned the actionable steps I needed to understand and train my brain.
But God did the heavy lifting. He took those action words and said to me, “I created this science you are learning. I created these doctors who are showing you HOW to train your mind and why it is important, and I am giving you the why behind it. I did this millennia ago. This is not new to me, nor is it new to how I want you to live.”
He showed me that my actions and forward movement matter. He showed me that the devil comes for me, in my own brain, but he ordained from the start HOW to defeat those thought patterns and be in the peace that passes all understanding. I couldn’t just pray for change; I was made to take an active role in my health and be part of my healing. He has given me the commands to do so and made me a person with his power to fight. So, while I heal, I also fight.
My illness is what I have, not who I am. God’s work speaks truth, and I am commanded to “think on what is true…” I am commanded to “renew my mind..” to use the “weapons that have divine power to demolish…”
Taking thoughts captive requires effort on our part. No captive ever went willingly. But the Lord says he is with us and to work hard at taking captive those thoughts that are not what he has for us.
